his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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