why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
