Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
