Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
