using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
