just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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