I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
