aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
