I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
