There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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