I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
