dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
