every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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