that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
