Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
