i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
