ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
