Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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