WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
