sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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