Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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