So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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