Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
