There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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