How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
