if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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