I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
