I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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