Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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