My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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