and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
