Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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