she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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