My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
