Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
