girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
