I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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