We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
