It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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