I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
