I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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