I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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