My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My bed smells like the plague
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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