Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
