The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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