Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
