God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
