I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
