If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
