I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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